dwight

am up again….8:44 pm on my clock and i have work at 5 tomorrow morning. i was already in bed trying to sleep….but i couldnt. so i immediately got up and went directly infront of my PC opened AOL music hoping that a dose of good music will make me sleepy. but it didnt help….i end up opening my blog and here i am writing this litany. seriously i dont know what exactly should i be writing. la lang paduka lang gud!i want to sleep coz im tired but i really cant. i wish i have a book to read so that i dont have to spend and waste every minute of my time writing this nonsense blog. but its helping though…..hehehehe sleep na ko oi. nyt everyone!

its past 1 am im still stuck staring at my pc while listening to buble’. i should have been sleeping or out with some company….but im not. instead im browsing the net unwillingly trying to fight the boredom that has engulfed my senses for two days already. im bored and my mind is so preoccupied with many thoughts that i couldnt fully rearrange. any minute i would be thinking about work but anytime soon it would switch to another uncertain issues. i hate it….something is haunting me but i dont know what it is and i dont even know how to figure it out. im helpless and im very tired……i think im giving up soon….

my last post was dated dec.19 that for me was long enough considering that i have access to a computer everyday. the new year came with me facing so much work related challenges. first was my prolong leave of absence without pay from the last week of december last year until the second week of the new year. I had to rest for that long as per advice by my doctor due to high blood pressure and muscuskeletal spasms all because of work related stress. my savings then wasnt big enough and i have bills to pay and of course i have my daily needs to address plus i had to take my medication. it was indeed expensive to take a rest at that time but i have no choice i really need to take a long leave….again without pay.

January 18 i went back to work with the hope that everything will be better and even more exciting. the firts two months was tolerable. my performance was good enough to meet the standards but wasnt good enough to meet my desired changes in my career path. again for the nth time thoughts of leaving the company has dawned on me. due to numerous circumstances it became so hard for me to exceedingly perform. each day became a struggle to the point that i became to question my worth and capacity. it also came to a point that i became so insecure with my friends and twas then that i realized that i need to wake up from this bad dream,leave the company before i lose my self-esteem and most importantly my friends.

yes i did! for me that was a brave decision that i made. ive worked with the company for more than two years and ive worked hard to put myself on top of everybody and most importantly i have gained so much friendships. its not so much with the working had part but it would be the friendships that i have with the some of the most beautiful people in this lifetime. i will surely miss all of them….but i know they’re all just a call away. so i guess ill just have to settle with that for now.

love you all guys!

Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the wall you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifice is…are the one’s we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with strategies to pick up a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens when that battle chooses us and not the other way around, thats when sacrifice can turn out more than we can bear.

Maybe I’ve risk so much for love that even the simplest thougthful actions coming from someone you truly love would mean the whole world to me. The pain that I went through have made me so much hopeful about my relationship. Instead of whining and losing hope about achieving the happy ever after. I have become content that even a text message with a simple thought is priceless. No wonder seeing him singing out loud unmindful of everyone on a tuesday night in a crowded bar had become one of the most happy moments in my life….you know what I mean? So petty yet priceless! And for as long as the feeling is like this I would continue to take risk even if it would mean losing sometimes.

Love like life is a choice. Every step of the way we always have to make a decision. It may be tough sometimes but we have to make a choice. Although it is not guaranteed that everytime we make a choice though we’re sure of it it’ll exactly turn out the way we expect it. Losing in love doesnt really matter! For as long as you had the courage to risk whatever it is at the end of the day you are still a winner!

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines… that are way too dangerous to cross.

Sex could kill you. Do you know what the human body goes through when you have sex? Pupils dilate, arteries constrict, core temperature rises, heart races, blood pressure skyrockets, respiration becomes rapid and shallow, the brain fires bursts of electrical impulses from nowhere to nowhere, and secretions spit out of every gland, and the muscles tense and spasm like you’re lifting three times your body weight. It’s violent, it’s ugly and it’s messy, and if God hadn’t made it unbelievably fun, the human race would have died out eons ago. Men are lucky they can only have one orgasm. Do you know that women can have an hour long orgasm?

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.

Yeah I know its crazy and you guys will tell me that Ive never really learned my lesson…but who am I to say no to the person that Ive truly love all my life. Cliche as it may sound but I’m just human,though I know my limitations and boundaries but sometimes you cant help and be carried away with your emotions. And in this case I got so much carried away with my love for Mikel….oops! There I go the magic name has just been uttered. Yes I finally met him in flesh last Friday after two months of hide and seek. But it wasn’t that easy for both of us. Before we decided to see each other that day there were actually a number of exchanged text messages which ignited both our dark sides. We fought so hard over text messages which I think was necessary for us to be able to resolve our anger for each other. But then again people get tired…we got tired and decided to offer apology to each other. An apology that paved again another chapter in our relationship.

Perhaps for now I’m the happiest soul on earth. Having to see him after a long time was priceless. But what makes it more amazing was when you don’t have to say a word but look at each others eyes and you know right then and then that you don’t have to talk about it anymore. Apology given…apology accepted and life must go on. And suddenly things came to me that no matter how painful things may happen for both us one thing is constant and that is my love for Mikel will always be more than my love for anything or anyone in this lifetime. Perhaps this is really how things should work for both of us and without all these challenges our relationship will not be able to provide us the kind of fulfillment that we are experiencing right now.